Flamy Trollson

Slowpokes

2011-09-14T14:53:00.006-04:00

i wrote a post 2 and a half years ago about "420". let me repeat that - i wrote a post 2 and a half years ago..... about 420.

basically it said that anyone over 30 who still smokes enough pot to impair their ability to function at work should maybe rethink that approach. i didnt say "pot impairs your ability to function at work" (remember kids: all dogs are mammals, not all mammals are dogs). i didnt say pot kills brain cells. i didnt say "dont smoke pot".

i said don't be a raging jackass about it.

This was in reference to a former coworker who would stand over my shoulder while i was programming, smelling like a litterbox full of patchouli. I was unable to say phrases to him like "check the code at line 420", or "client meeting on 4/20" or "conference call at 4:20pm" without being interrupted by "gurr-HAAH 420!" and a high-5 attempt.

I was often unable to ask him the simplest question without having to repeat the question 3 times, and had to endure giggling tangents while working on a deadline for a client. Pot doesn't inherently impair your ability to function, but a fuck-ton of pot smoked in a short time can certainly make you high enough to not act professional, and make you disinterested in priorities. Congratulations if no amount of pot does this to you (though i have to assume its a lot less fun) - and like i said - go for it.

I stand by every word i said in that post. as i said, i didnt say pot kills brain cells, but i know for a fact that a man who is extremely stoned at work has committed 95% of those brain cells elsewhere, and doesnt have enough left over to write code (as evidenced by his failure to WRITE CODE when lit).

don't lecture me on not researching my "anti-pot" rant. i said repeatedly that i had no problem with marijuana, or people smoking it, even people with jobs. i didnt say "down with" anything. i wasnt spouting bullshit statistics or condemning anyone.

and really - your failure to read thoroughly and confirm my stance before name-calling doesn't make you look like a level-headed man in control.

but really, i have thank you to everyone who posted all the "fag" "cunt" (classy) "homo" "loser" "hater" "moron" "bitchface" comments without reading more than a few sentences. Your collective inability to focus on words long enough to get your facts straight is deliciously ironic, and i love you for that. stay classy San Diego. (especially the gentleman who helped me admit my problem of being "Supar jelly that i dont have a girl". Finally I'm free of my secret!)

But a larger thank you to the 90% of the people who read the post and realized it was a focused rant made by a stranger 2 years ago, not a judgmental thesis in the fucking new york times, and then got on with their lives.

most everyone i know smokes, and is a normal person about it. they brush their teeth before coming to work, shower when they smell like bongrot, and dont advertise their lifestyle choices every chance they get.

I do think it's pretty fuckin funny that anyone would label me an uneducated pot-hating bitch. It's weird realizing how quickly having a kid can flip your image over from "person" to "mom". But "mom" + "pot blog" doesn't equal "intolerant rant". Get your facts straight. And for those of you that had relevent complaints about the things i DID say i hate: call me in 10 years when you discover the concept of "slight moderation" (and trust me, you will).

Also, I posted that 2 years ago. Go hassle an actual opponent.

I only have one fervent political stance:
"Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others".

FLAME ON

I regret feeding the trolls already.

Brony

2011-09-01T13:56:00.010-04:00

I am so effin lucky. I get to watch My Little Pony with my kid everyday. Although we're not dudes, so I guess we're not technically "bronies".

What does that make us then?

Oh right.....

Girls.

UPDATE: Pegasisters

Muffins!

I seriously have the best kid ever.

Wants to be a crime-fighting princess? Check.
Can name every major marvel hero/villain? Check.
Dresses up as Thor? Check.
Sings along Suicidal Tendencies and Weezer? Check.
Loves Star Wars, and hates prequels? Check.
Loves Batman Animated Series? Check.
Wants a tattoo? Check.
Loves Portal? Check.
Headbangs? Check.
My Little Pony fan? Check.
Loves everything cool ever? CHECK and CHECK.

Happy St Patriversabirthday!

2011-03-17T15:03:00.004-04:00

Meet Jack Kirby Toleson!

4 minutes old

10 minutes old

12 hours old

44 hours old

Floor Eyes

2010-06-03T11:21:00.005-04:00

so i broke my last set of contacts this week, and now im wearing my glasses again for a while. now, I wore these for a full 4 months last year, but apparently no one noticed that - I've gotten a lot of comments on my "new glasses". Thanks guys, that's just magnificent.

my depth perception in these things is fucked up. no peripheral vision to speak of, except a faint motion blur just to keep my on constant alert. it gives me a headache so i generally dont wear them around the house. but i am seriously blind as a bat. so here's how the day is shaping up so far:

i poured orange juice on my feet
i dropped the orange juice entirely after misjudging the shelf
i burned myself
i fell in the shower
i fell again in the shower
i slipped on a plastic bag and dove onto the table. onto.
i missed 3 stairs in a row

and currently my face is 2 inches from the screen.

Ego Roost

2010-03-23T12:27:00.001-04:00

there is no "in-crowd" or "popular".
there are only loud people trying to get your attention, huddled together for security.

there is no "social status"
there is only yourself, adjacent to others, pointless comparing differences and grading opinions.

there is no "uncool" or "out of style".
there are only arbitrary decisions asserted by those same loud people to maintain their illusion of control on society.

it's a way for the loud but insecure to validate their choices by making it appear that they are part of some larger trend, which in itself is a pure fabrication of them and those like them. it is social mass-hysteria.

if you choose not to listen to that insecure/loud army, you have achieved social independance, and are free to enjoy whatever style or agenda you like.

trends make no sense. you don't suddenly STOP liking the clothes you loved last year. you were simply told by the TV that something else is better and now your wardrobe is obsolete. and because it preys on your insecurities, you buy new clothes.

the only thing i hate more than people following every trend like it matters, are those obnoxious scene bullies who presume to announce the latest bullshit, to assert their social superiority.

"pink is the new black"
"black is the new stipes"
"my decisions are the new betterthanyou!"

it's all a ridiculous attempt at social brainwashing.

if these people ever just SHUT THE FUCK UP - what would everyone do? they would wear things they thought were pretty. they would play music that appealed to them. they would do whatever the fuck they want.

if all of this is unfamiliar to you - its because you're a ADULT. as we get older - most of us either realize this outright, or at least stop caring. and others still simply stop having time for the media and arent even subject to it.

teenagers are at the peak of this phenomenan, and i accept that it's a part of development to compete and show off and find yourself.

It's that pathetic older scenester type that i find so disgusting. Grown men and women, still obsessed with ego and social status, and worse - still trying to manipulate their peers into validating it.

social status has no relvence in adult society. employment, family, relationships, happiness - those drive adult lives.

there is no clammoring up a social ladder. there isn't even a shared social ladder.

most adults veer off and form their own social ecosystem called a FUCKING FAMILY.

if you don't grow out of this kind of bullshit by a certain age - you just look ridiculous. like a peacock trying to impress a group of penguins.

WE ARE LAUGHING AT YOU
GROW UP

Sanity Run Amuck

2010-03-20T02:00:00.000-04:00

The right direction doesn't even exist.

The cynical will tell you life is insignifigant. The pessimistic will tell you we're all going to die anyway. The wisest scholar insists he is still a student. The richest man admits that money couldn't buy him happiness. And a dying man speaks only of regret, with tears in his eyes.

There is no finish line. There is no finally. Every direction is wrong. The closest thing to sanity is standing still and admitting you're going nowhere anyway.

But standing still isn't an option. You're not a productive member of society if you stop and smell the roses for rest of your life.

Loser! Quitter! Failure!

Peaceful.

We claim we work to build a better life, to reach the end of the rainbow. But the only pot of gold is peace of mind, and even if you're lucky enough to realize what life is all about before you die - you still have to go on living the charade to please everyone else.

It's not socially acceptable to make yourself truly happy.

And fine, I can resist grabbing hold of the ultimate answer and reclaiming my childhood peace of mind. I'll play along if it means I can pass a few dollars of wisdom and sanity on to Molly before the world blinds her.

I can trace these circles with my feet for the rest of my days. But I won't lie to myself, or pretend that this is living. This may be life. But it's not living.

I won't pretend that my choices are mistakes, or that my mistakes are faults, or my faults regrets.

I won't pretend my conformity is sanity. I won't pretend my success is happiness. And I won't pretend my accomplishments have given me anything I need.

It's all a parade of futility.

Time continues to pass. Actions fade, but words echo. The people you love die with regrets in their hearts.

Someone will always be disappointed. Someone will always be yelling. Hate will always be a few steps behind. It won't matter how well I do, or how far I come.

Life will never cease to demand more. Even the friendliest voices scream for my head when I don't live up to the madness that feeds on sacrifice.

The faces may change but the message stays the same. Nothing worth changing ever lets up.

History repeats itself.

Perspective is not hard to come by. We all feel it sweep over us time and time again. But that is the one lesson nobody ever learns. Oh, you may change your behavior when some mistake hits a little too close to home, or try to appreciate what you've got when tragedy strikes.

But hindsight never becomes foresight. Regret never turns to wisdom.
Irreparable loss never turns into unconditional love.

You never remember to appreciate the people who are still around. You never learn live and let live. You never listen to voice in your head that begs you to stop and smell the roses.

You still prefer to believe you're life is building toward some happy ending, and you just have to preserve that at all costs.

Einstein said: "Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result". Yet we repeat what's been done time and time again and expecting to be more successful at it than all the others.... Living the same empty existence and assuming it will make you happier than it made your parents.

The fact is most people prefer to just close their eyes and keep pushing harder and harder until they drop dead, rather than admit that life is only about living. Like money, and 'playing it safe' and impressing people, will matter on your deathbed. Call it religion, call it maturity. In the end, sacrifice always adds up to the same thing: regret.

Everyone follows suit. Everyone lives by someone else's rules, to earn someone else's approval, to get into someone else's heaven. Mass hysteria.

The tradition of conformity that makes the world go round.

If anyone dares to say fuck you to the master plan and just enjoy life for what it is.... well then the whole fragile illusion would come crashing down.

Damn those who refuse to conform! Moral lynchings for those "miserable" free spirits, possessed with the demon of individuality!

So no matter how hard I work, or how successful I've been, or how kind I've been - once the stench of "fuck up" fills the air around me, it's time to pull me aside and purge me of my social sins, correct my behavior, straighten me out. Clean all that distracting "individuality" off me. You know, for my own good.

And then life will be so grand.

All hail society! Live for the lie. Fight for your right to delude yourself. You can be a winner at the game of life!

Art School Dropout

2010-01-30T16:00:00.000-05:00

I moved to Boston when I was 17. I had graduated high school a year early and applied early to college - I really hated school. It was sad leaving all of my friends, but I was psyched to get out of there.

I swore I would come back and hang out all year, but I completely lost touch with everyone immediately.

I was in COLLEGE now.

I was a 17 year old, alone in Boston, walking around the big city in my thrift store pea coat and wool hats, drinking starbucks and taking the train, with my portfolio tucked under my arm and a paint on my doc martins. I was hot shit.

I was up there to attend the School of the Museum of Fine Arts.

If you're unfamiliar with the school, it's right next to the Museum of Fine Arts, and has a GIANT RHINO out front:

The school didn't have dorms (it was just a single building next to the museum) so all students were required to find off campus housing.

They did have a 1-hour "roommate seminar" where I paired up with Bob, the trash hoarding drag queen from Connecticut. Lucky me.

We lived in a 2 bedroom split on the Fens. A 2 bedroom split in Boston is basically a small studio apartment with diagonal walls built in to give the illusional of multiple bedrooms.

My room overlooked the "courtyard" - a trash covered cement square enclosed by the 3 other apartment buildings that backed up to mine. My window looked out onto 200 other windows.

At the time I thought it was all very romantic. There were conservatory students playing jazz in the mid-afternoon, and the bricks were aged and worn, the buildings had beautiful architectural details. And the front door was right across from the park.

Looking back I realize it was riddled with disease and crime. I am truly lucky I was not assaulted every single day.

I walked through the Fens to get from my apartment to school. There is a gorgeous little footbridge in the middle of the park that I crossed everyday. I was completly in love with it. I ate breakfast there and sketched it from every angle, and took photos of it.

That is another location I am fortunate I was not mugged on daily.

I took the T whenever possible. I was in love with trains. There isn't a real subway in Baltimore, unless you count the Light Rail (which I don't) so I grew up driving everywhere. I used to get on the greenline at school and ride the full circuit, drawing the passengers, or the windows, or the seats. Sometimes I just closed my eyes and let the motion of the train pull the pencil around the paper.

However, most of the places I needed to go were within a block of my apartment. School was just across the park, the convenience store was appropriately convenient, and I was in a committed relationship with the chinese food place around the corner.

So there I was, 17 years old, alone in metropolis, not a friend in the world, and equipped with only the certainty that fine arts was a valid and worthwhile future, and of course that I was unique and special for pursuing it.

I was at the museum school on a merit scholarship, and I was the only freshmen granted a studio in my first year. So I wasn't short on ego.

I was fully emerged and on the fast track to Art School FAME.

The studios consisted of a 4 rooms, with movable gesso smeared gallery walls. On the first day of class we drew numbers to determine our studio-mate - I was paired with an OCD japanese woman named Kiku. She hated everything I created and despised me for splattered paint on the floor everyday. She was primarily a watercolor and calligraphy artist (and why she needed an advanced studio for this is beyond me) I'm pretty sure she thought I was a social terrorist.

After being assigned our cellmates, we proceeded to manuever the studio walls and assemble the room. I remember being mortified at first because my work would be visible to everyone walking by. But I quickly figured out how to set up my easel to block the view.

Our studio teacher, Magda, a nigerian hippie who always wore overalls and birkenstocks, had no interest in educating any of us. She walked around the studios everyday during our designated "studio class" time, and zipped out of the room the second the bell rang (yeah there were bells - which was bizarre for a college with no curriculum) and headed straight for her own studio space upstairs.

I remember the cafeteria downstairs had my favorite drink of all time - Jolt Cola (in glass bottles no less). I was very well caffeinated when I painted.

So I spent all my days in my studio, drinking a Jolt, stretching 6 foot canvases, mixing mediums and experimenting with chemicals, constructing and desconstructing, drawing and painting, and writing pretentious explanations for my work. My chosen focus was figure work. I had my artist statement and studio assertion literally etched into my studio wall:

This year I will strive to illustrate the raw beauty and strength of the human individual through representations of the nude form on crude industrial surfaces. I will juxtapose the delicate perfection of the nude figure (as the human soul) with the violent deconstruction of the surface (as society at war). I will evoke passion from the quiet grace of the natural figure in the chaos of the modern world.

I was really full of shit. It wasn't a bad focus for a first year student, in the context of a school full of pretentious art students... but looking back on it now, I am ashamed I let myself speak that way and be proud of my ability to bullshit.

My school work was mostly just attending figure study classes or hiding in my studio and producing stream of conciousness paintings and drawings until my fingers were numb. I was anti-social, but prolific.

The most social activity I engaged in was eating my lunch outside on the rhino.

I used to come into the studio at night with a bottle of wine and hammer out 3 or 4 paintings. I would stumble home covered in plaster and beeswax and sand. Maybe that's why no ever assaulted me...(!)

School was certainly fun... but eventually it was impossible to care. There was no curriculum. There didn't need to be any. The school was there to nuture "brilliant artists" and guide them toward "finding themselves".

And that's exactly why I bailed after 2 years. It hit my like a ton of bricks one day - I didn't want to peak in college. I was at a school that let me do whatever I wanted, and patted me on the back for it.

I was a self portrait in a spotlight, and I was standing still.

So I left school and abandoned art completely. I bought a computer manual and taught myself network admin shit in like a week, and a few weeks later I had bullshitted my way into working at a start up!

But that is a story all it's own....

The Magnificent Katzenklavier

2009-10-06T14:49:00.000-04:00

In 1650 Athanasius Kircher invented a musical instrument to cure melancholy. The instrument was called a “katzenklavier” and it consisted of a line of cats fixed in place with their tails sticking out underneath a keyboard. When they keys were struck the cats would meow in pain. The concept never caught on.

Zoo Day

2009-06-15T11:23:00.004-04:00

We took Molly to the Zoo this weekend. We took her once before, last year, but she wasn't really old enough to appreciate it, so this was our first *real* zoo day with Molly.

We got a late start. I screwed everything up, first by making us leave an hour later than we wanted to, and giving us only an hour to see everything. Then I forgot my wallet and we almost had to just go home and forget the whole thing, but we had just enough money in our pockets and the day was saved. We got in just about an hour before they closed, but we still managed to see everything.

Last year we thought it would be "good exercise" to skip the tram ride, but we learned out lesson. And Molly really loved riding the "zoo train" to the animals.

She wanted to see the Lions more than anything, but they weren't really out. We saw them in the distance, but they were kind of being a-holes about it.

She was hilarious. She didn't waste any time. She saw each animal and moved on to the next, like it was her job. It was just place to place, no dilly-dallying. She was seriously on a mission.

And then, I swear, right at 4pm, she turned to us and said it was time to go home now.

So, after we got some surprisingly good cheeseburgers at their concession stand (which was located just a little to close to the Cow and Pig cages) we went back to the train.

She picked out a little wooden bendy snake from the gift shop, and we headed home - a little over an hour from when we arrived.

It was actually the perfect amount of time. We were wiped out after an hour. We maybe could have used an extra 20 minutes to do some of the extras, like camel rides, but can do those next time.

We'll be going back again soon either way.

I got a ton of pictures (of course) which I'll sift through and post in the next few days!

it only gets worse

2009-06-09T16:41:00.005-04:00

how am i supposed to be optimistic? the lady came today with the paperwork for the highway expansion.

2 years. 2 fucking years.
"Compensation" for some shit percentage of land per year
"Compensation" for cutting down "shade trees" (50 year old oak trees)

You can't compensate me for that.

You can't compensate me for the time I won't get to spend playing with my little girl in my backyard.

You can't compensate me for the 2 years of being woken up at 7am by jackhammers and loud-mouth workers in my yard, looking up into my window while i change. 2 years of dust and debris in my AC.

You can't compensate me for the gorgeous treeline view they're ripping out and replacing with pavement and traffic jams.

You can't compensate me for the fact that we can't even move away because NO ONE will want to buy the house now that the landscape is being shot to hell and it will be crawling with construction workings for 2 years.

They don't even know when its going to start. Which means they cant even be sure how long it will go on.

That's my home.

2 years of hell, for stingy little handfull of "compensation". I bought that house because of that yard.

"25 feet from the house" - that's not what the flags say. The flags are 4 feet from the house. All of the trees are in that space.

We were going to put up a hammock between the 2 bigs ones.

I was going to use the 2 in the middle as a goal when I played soccer with molly.

I was going to put up a little table and chairs under the pretty tree in the back with the umbrella branches.

They didn't properly warn us. They said the highway wall might move in a little. No one told me I would have to put up with 2 years of construction IN OUR YARD. No one told me they'd rip up the 50 year old oak trees for no reason.

From my bedroom window I see wall of leaves. I see birdsand squirrels. I hear a faint roar of traffic muffled by the trees.

It sounds like the ocean.

My yard is peaceful right now. It's a private oasis, hidden away from the rest of suburbia and away from the busy roads.

Now what?

I can't do jack-shit. I can't fight this. I can't convince them that this is breaking my heart. They don't care. They won't stop. They just want their damn highway to get bigger and bigger.

I can't even write anymore. The thoughts in my head are just dragging around in pointless pathetic circles.

Marvel Mini-Mates!

2009-06-04T14:14:00.003-04:00

JACKED

2009-06-04T11:36:00.000-04:00

i finally got a new phone this weekend! i actually almost bought the iphone, but after playing with it for a full hour, i remembered why i hated it - it's a slow clumsy touch screen, without any redeeming PDA or email benefits. and it doesn't even support AT&T navigator.

so i got the Samsung Jack.

it's RAD. its a much better PDA, has full support for all of my email accounts (at a glance), fulle GPS and WIFI, and i still have my full mp3 library in there.

Screw the iPhone!

Plus the camera is amazing, and take pictures as good as my sony point & shoot. It also has threaded text messaging - which is a nice perk for someone like me who refuses to talk on the phone whenever i can help it.

PROOF OF AWESOME:

No Really.

I love this thing. It's just a little smaller, a little smoother, than the BlackJack II. The keys are wider and easier to press. The screen is the same, but the homescreen is BADASS.

T9WTF?

2009-06-02T17:03:00.005-04:00

My phone's predictive text WONT LET ME type "z". not only does it "suggest" that i mean "s" - it WONT TYPE the "z" at all.

I understand that "z" is not the most popular or handsome letter in school - but come on. Eventually I'm going to go to the zoo or zen out.

Saddest Part: I couldn't write this blog on my phone because it WOULD NOT TYPE "Z"!

I have to turn off predictive text entirely because of this.

MORE INFO ABOUT MY KICK ASS PHONE

16000 miles!

2009-05-29T12:39:00.000-04:00

15000 miles!

2009-05-03T16:31:00.001-04:00

WANT

2009-04-30T12:29:00.000-04:00

http://www.goprocamera.com/index.php?area=2&productid=7

Molly Blog

2009-04-20T16:10:00.004-04:00

I just started a new blog of just Molly stuff. It will sort of a baby book, to keep track of all the major events, with links to all the new photo sets and stuff.

Check it out: http://mollytoleson.blogspot.com

Pac-Man

2009-04-17T15:24:00.000-04:00

NOOOOOOOO

2009-04-11T16:24:00.003-04:00

I waited for WEEKS to watch Rivals today. I didn't find out until an hour before gametime that comcast doesn't carry ESPNU, and I wasn't gonna get to watch the game.

*heartbroken*

I even had to do this Day of Rivals promo page at work, and it got me all psyched up to watch the game even more.

What is Rivals?
fyi - you are dead to me

Rivals is Hopkins vs MD, and Army vs Navy. The 2 fucking biggest lacrosse games of the season. 2 highly anticipated games, back to back, usually at M&T stadium to house the hordes of fans that flock to see them.

Four powerhouse schools tearing it up on the field for a year of respect, honor and a jock full of bragging rights.

Lacrosse is one of the most physically demanding and emotional games ever created. It's all heart. No waiting your turn, no downtime, no standing around, no skates to carry you down the field.

It's just you and a stick, running until your heart explodes, with a half pound ball hurdling toward your face at 100 MPH, trying to hit a 6x6 target with 10 other guys chasing you down.

These guys are absolute beasts.

My mom went to Hopkins, so I am a hardcore fan. Plus I grew up going down to the Navy campus in Annapolis with my dad, so I consider myself a fan by association. (but of course when the Hopkins/Navy games comes around, the Blue Jay will always be my team.)

And today BOTH of my teams ruled the field, and I MISSED IT.

Hopkins 10, MD 9
Navy 8, Army 4

It was one hell of a day :-(

I did get to watch Loyola (my dad's alma mater) kick Georgetown's collective ass, but it's just not the same as Rivals.

Real Women in Hollywood

2009-04-08T23:49:00.016-04:00

Normally it would be a cold day in Hel-salvador before I'd blog about a reality show, but I can't stand by and watch American Idol be dominted by another group of cookie-cutter indie/pop douchebags.

I admit to watching avidly when it comes around every year. Normally my attachemnt to the show ends as soon as the parade of freaks comes to a halt and the real competition begins, but every once in a while I stick around for the whole dog and pony show. It's not because I'm particularly inspired by the flashy sets and cute boys. I'll watch if there is a contestant I really think should win.

For those of you with actual lives, here's the current deal-i-o: (i'm hip)

At the beginning of last week, there were only 3 girls left in the show, and 6 guys.

The guys aren't much to look at. They're all boy-band rejects or beach guitar douchebags. The ones that do have good voices are too busy putting on makeup and winking at the girlies in the audience.

And after last's weeks results, one of the 3 remaining girls got voted off, and it's down to just 2 to represent the entire gender.

Now I'm not complaining about this other girl getting the boot. Megan Joy.

Boy, she was a hot mess. Now, she looked the part: thin, gorgeous, blonde... and a half-sleeve of tattoos, to satisfy my punk rock fantasy.

Unfortantely once she opened her mouth she was 2 parts crazy and 1 parts howler-monkey. When she wasn't busting speakers with her pipes, she was dancing and yelping like a fool, or just spewing gibberish for anyone who would listen.

Frankly, I'm glad she's gone. She was giving women a bad name. Young girls everywhere were learning that it doesn't matter if you you have a brain or talent as long as you're thin and pretty.

Now that's she got the shaft, America can focus on the talented girl on stage - Allison

Not only can she fucking belt out any song you can throw her way, and do it with style... but she's also a realistic female specimen. She's got a real body and a real voice. Nothing about her is fake. This is what girls should be looking up to.

She's only 17 and she sang Aretha, Bonnie Raitt, Heart, No Doubt and Michael Jackson like a fucking pro. A few times she sang it better than the original. She sang a version of Don't Speak by No Doubt that I would buy right now if it was on the shelves.

That's what the show used to be about. During the first season, I didn't love Kelly Clarkson. She didn't sing my kind of music, and she was a little too bubbly for my tastes. But then suddenly after she won, she blew me away with her cover of Since You've Been Gone. And that's what the winners of this show should be. Awesome singers that come out with kickass songs that people like.

Most of the people that have had real careers didn't even win. Clay Aiken didn't win. Jennifer Hudson didn't win. And the ones that did win just faded away. Carrie Underwood and Kelly Clarkson are probably the only ones with a real career.

Why? Because the show pushes through irrelevent acts based on classical vocal talent and magazine looks. How many rockstars do you know that can hit every note?

And since that first season, the show has tumbled down a long and painful road of weezing pretty boys, and slow jazz crooners. I don't know what target audience they think will "idolize" these people, or why they think American teenagers appreciate a cute boy singing R&B legends and country ballads.

America doesn't need another generic white boy weezing out R&B, or another fashion plate metro-sexual crooning the oldies.

Allison is a return to form. A real person, with an amazing voice, singing whatever the fuck she wants.

And why can't this show be CURRENT? The judges all seem to think that the only songs worth singing were written prior to 1994. I guess the past 25 years of Rolling Stone and MTV were just misinformed.

How can you be the idol of a generation if you don't sing the songs that generation likes? Why do the contestants have to sing the greatest songs ever written, regardless of whether the target audience has heard of them?

Why can't the contestents sing a song by The Used or Rise Against and win because it fucking rocked and everyone went apeshit when they heard it?

Well the show may never turn around, but at least a fucking ROCK STAR of a chick has a chance to win it this year. She's picked some awesome songs so far, and I hope she sticks to her guns and doesn't cave in to their boring suggestions and attempts to make her skinny and generic.

I'm bummed because she's been in the bottom 3 a few weeks in a row now. The judges have made it abundantly clear that they will most definitely save her if America drops the ball, but that will only get her so far.

Even if she doesn't win, I hope she makes it far enough to at least teach a few girls out there what a real woman, and a real singer, should be.

Molly loves to sing. And I know that if she wants to, she could be out there singing her whole life. And I don't want that to mean she spends her life brainwashed to think she needs to be skinny and compromise her ideas and values.

I have enough social poison to combat already...

I'm glad Molly has gotten to see Allison up there a few times. Hopefully she's absorbed some of the beauty and passion. I think she knows talent when she sees it.

Whenever Allison comes up Molly sings along and dances her heart out. That alone makes watching the show worth my dignity.

Vote for Allison!

April 30th, minus 10.

2009-04-06T11:32:00.009-04:00

(preface for anonymous rants coming from 420chan/etc: kindly read in detail before calling me a "supar jelly" "homo" (classic!).

i have no problem with marijuana.

i will not elaborate. my original post was accurate. i've fed the trolls too much already. don't want em gettin fat. besides they have a busy day ahead - they're apparently 2 years behind on their internetting.)

I fucking hate 420.

420 represents an entire movement of fucking idiots. An overwhelming horde of bad-smelling, head-scratching dimwits who will never be able to follow a whole conversation, and who can't even get a clever joke.

And worst of all, it marks a generation of fools who can't finish an intelligent discussion if the number 4-2-0 happens to creep its way in.

This makes April my least favorite month. Inevitably something will be scheduled for 4/20, and if I need to talk about it, I'm subjecting myself to the predicable wave of moronic giggling and high-fives that surround the mere mention of those numbers.

And the date 4/20 this year happens to be a monday, so it's even more pervasive. Things are more likely to be scheduled on Mondays and Fridays.

You could look at me right now and call me a buzz-kill, or a narc (you know, if this was an 80's movie), or boring. You could accuse me of not "getting it", or not understanding.

But you'd be wrong. Just because I don't currently partake in a dirty, bad-smelling, brain-rotting gateway drug doesn't mean I haven't experienced life. And it certainly doesn't mean I'm trying to drag everyone down.

I just hate to see otherwise respectable adults - my friends, people I work with - staring off into space, smelling like a litterbox, and rambling like a fool.

If pot truly is your drug of choice, and you genuinely enjoy it and you've determined you can successfully integrate it into your adult life without any damage to your life or future - that is fine by me. I have no problem with anyone's choices or preferences.

I fully support it. I think that a truly educated and appreciative approach to any lifestyle is a thing of beauty and should be respected.

But seriously - don't let yourself go out in public, or go to work, smelling like a farm animal and rambing about how cool it would be to hear colors.

Just because your few lingering brain cells think you've found true enlightenment doesn't mean you're really unraveling the mysteries of the universe. You're standing in a grocery store staring at the lights. Go home and clean yourself up. You're making a fool of yourself.

And no matter where you choose to get high.... or how diligent you are about your hygiene and your "poetry".... please don't crack another 420 joke near me.

Sure, you'll get a few high-fives from the other "dudes" in the room - but if you took a closer look around, you'd see that the rest of us are shaking our heads and wondering why we've entrusted a professional-stoner with our business, our money, or even our time.

And btw - take a good look at the faces of those high-fivers too - if they are all 10 years younger than you - you might have made a wrong turn somewhere. 20 year olds can get away with lighting up and burning out. You sir, you can't. Grow up.

So please, try to let April 20th come and go this year without dipping in to that well of generic puns in a desperate attempt to bond with a few strangers. A 30 year old high fiving some high school kids over a drug reference is just sad.

Dont be that guy.

And leave the weed at home "dude". Some of us are trying to work.

Aprils Fools!

2009-04-01T11:25:00.005-04:00

I love Google. They always come out with the coolest shit. I participate in a lot of their google labs experiments to test out cool shit they are thinking of creating. They never disappoint.

And apparently that includes BAD ASS April Fools Day antics:
http://www.google.com/intl/en_us/landing/cadie/index.html

Don't forget to follow all the links- some of the best stuff is really well hidden:

Google 3D: http://www.google.com/intl/en/landing/chrome/cadie/

Google AutoPilot: http://mail.google.com/mail/help/autopilot/index.html

WIN

Not Exactly a Relief...

2009-02-23T14:13:00.008-05:00

So nothing is final yet, but the latest word is this:

They won't be buying any land from us. What they will do, is "rent" a portion of our yard for the duration of their construction effort. The highway wall will end up right at the end of our property line, but *not* on our property.

Once they are done with construction, we'll actually have our entire yard back.

The catch is that, during that time, they can potentially rip up the entire yard, and remove all the beautiful 50 year old trees. We're already losing the line of trees along the existing highway wall. I'd be devastated if MY trees were taken as a part of this mayhem.

We don't have have any way of preventing or combating anything they set their minds to doing.

We're lucky (so I'm told) that they aren't taking any land from us, but I still feel like we're getting screwed.

It's hard letting go. I'm grieving - as silly as you may think that is. But we've lost something we had established in our hearts and minds as "ours". We built plans around what we had here, and now that is being threatened.

Things are still shakey, still unknown. I won't be able to accept what's happening until I can see the outcome for myself I guess.

I can feel positive knowing that I'll still have my whole yard for Molly to play in. By the time she's 5, this should all be over and done with. The wall will be closer, the noise will be louder, and my trees may be gone, but I'll have my land.

I guess that will have to be good enough.

Knowing this, my gut still wants to SELL SELL SELL as soon as possible and move somewhere with no highway, no construction, no interferance --- but my head says we should endure the changes and preserve our investment as best we can under the circumstances.

I'm open to opinions here...

F*&%@#!

2009-02-23T11:38:00.011-05:00

I'm panicking.

Sean found out this morning that our one neigbor, Calvin, already met with the highway guys. They showed him the plans, and said they were taking around 8 feet of his yard and bringing the wall right up to the edge. Calvin's house is farther than ours, so he's in a better position than us, meaning we're going to have even more taken away.

Apparently the neighbor on the other side of us has already sold her entire house to the state. And not long ago, there was a house in the corner of our cul-de-sac that was purchsed and torn down just before we moved in.

So apparently this wasn't news to anyone but us!

I feel like someone lied to us. Someone pulled out the smoke and mirrors when we were buying the house, to distort the reality of what was really going to happen.

That yard was never really ours. We were just using it until the state was ready.

They "disclosed" just enough to make it legal. They made it sound like a minor set back. We even carefully considered what they described and decided it wasn't so bad. What they had described though, was the wall coming up to the edge of our yard, at worst.

I'm heartbroken.

I had dreams. I had plans. I dreamed of playing soccer with Molly between the two big trees. I dreamed jumping in the leaves with her and running circles around the yard. I dreamed of raising her in every corner, every inch of this house. I had dreams of growing old here.

It just makes me cry.

I was sitting in bed last night, looking out my window at the row of treetops that line the highway wall. The treetops that are about to be ripped out and replaced with contruction equipment and pavement and pollution.

I feel robbed. I feel helpess....hopeless... homeless...

RED FLAGGED!

2009-02-20T15:01:00.004-05:00

So I was "reported" and "blocked" this week, causing my FB account to get all screwed up and half my content removed. Now everything I do has warnings and captchas, and sometimes even extra approval required.

It's super fun.

I guess I can't have a social networking profile without putting a giant target on my face. I already deleted my myspace profile entirely. Now I'm considering deleting this one (if only to have a CLEAN record).

THANKS A LOT.

McYAY - Hello Kitty Happy Meals!

2009-02-19T16:09:00.008-05:00

Words cannot capture how AWESOMELY FANTASTIC this really is:

Cleaning House!

2009-02-18T13:22:00.005-05:00

I'm cleaning house both literally and figuratively this week. I'm sick of the clutter and the filth.

We're literally cleaning every inch of the house before the appraisal (which has been moved to Monday). We've been pretty lax in our habits since we moved in. We keep the house decent, but sometimes we keep it just clean enough to not qualify as "unsanitary". We're going to get it where it should be finally.

I'm focusing on getting healthy too. I've been going to my doctors and getting myself right. No more ailments, no more pain, no more toxins. I am working toward feeling good every morning and sleeping at night.

Hopefully when this is all said and done, I'll be healty enough to have another baby by the end of this year! (fingers crossed)

Molly is the most wonderful thing that has have happened in my life. I've fought for the past year to rebuild my marriage into something strong again. I have nothing but hope for my future.

I have family nearby who deserve my attention, and friends who love and care for me the way I deserve.

I am simply trying to get free of the complications and conflict that has been overwhelming my life for so long. Everyone is allowed to take steps to improve their happiness, and to build on the successful relationships they've forged.

This year I hope to get healthy, and to spend more time with my family. That's all I can ask for, and all I care about.

Highway Robbery

2009-02-17T11:58:00.003-05:00

So we got a letter from the State Highway Administration this week. They are sending over a guy to appraise our house this week.

Our property backs up to the retaining wall of 695, right at the exit to Edmonson Ave.

They have plans drawn up to expand the highway one full lane, which would potentially encroach on our property line. This means they can/will legally "purchase" (ROB) part of our land from us, or offer to buy our house outright.

I don't want to lose my backyard. That wall is close enough already. I don't see how it's legal for the state to come in and say I have to give up ANYTHING. Don't I have rights as the homeowner?

How can they take this away from me???

The appraiser comes on Thursday. I guess we'll see what happens.

Whatever the outcome, we're screwed. I love my house. I love my yard. I don't want my house even APPRAISED in this garbagedump of a housing market. I would be ok with us moving, if we were forced to, but not if they give us a fraction of what we paid 3 years ago.

I'm seriously bummed out. This can't end well.

We've built memories here. I don't want to lose my peaceful sanctuary. This is where my daugher plays, and my dogs run, and my family spends time together.

Does anyone have any insight or ideas how we can fight this? Or at least get the most for what we have? I just hope we don't get robbed here.

Wish us luck..

Geographic Discrimination!

2009-02-11T16:58:00.005-05:00

So it turns out I'm not qualified to have my kitchen renovated by a TV show because I don't live close enough to one of their locations.

Most of them are in LA, or Minneanapolis. There are 2 shows - the 2 BEST kitchen shows I might add - based in Philly, but they require applicants be within a 50 mile radius.

I mean COME ON - I'm so close. If only they knew how much I want it..

I got all pumped up last night, ready to finally take the plunge and send in an application. I cleaned up the kitchen, I took photos, and I planned what I was going to say in my video letter.

I really think I had a shot too. You know, having a 2 year old daughter, and a firefighter husband, and an unbelievable dump of a kitchen - I was a shoe-in.

But my hopes were dashed when I signed in this morning. "Accepting applications within 50 miles of Philadelphia, PA only"

I can't do it on my own, not anytime soon anyway. I wanted this so bad. The other projects didn't mean as much to me - the bathroom can wait, the basement is fine as is. The kitchen we NEED to do though. We're eating rusty salads and paint-chip meatloaf. We're storing pots and pans in the living room. WE HAVE A PAPER PLATE ON THE WALL TO COVER THE EXHAUST FAN.

Damn you geography.

If you don't believe I need a kitchen makeover:

Max and Krypto

2009-02-08T19:59:00.004-05:00

Celebrittle

2009-02-05T10:54:00.008-05:00

drama is creeping into my life again. i was so peaceful the past few weeks, no fighting, no manipulation, no egos, no drama. i didn't have to worry about what i said or did and how it might be misconstrued or judged. i disabled my myspace profile and cleared my head of all the bullshit, and was finally starting to live a normal, calm, sane life.

but one slip and i'm right back in the thick of it.

i should be better at protecting myself by now. considering all of the people that have stabbed me in the back, or bailed on me, or manipulated me, you'd think i would be more cautious by now. or at least a better judge of character.

i have no interest in slandering anyone publicly in a blog. i just want to make my boundaries known, and reinforce my privacy.

im gonna go live the good life i've got, and not let any bullshit chase me down.

i will not be a punching bag anymore. no drama, no bullshit, no ego, nothing is going to invade my sanctuary.

i'm going to take care of me. im gonna go back to my house, back to my job, and i'll forget the drama all over again.

i deleted my myspace and dropped out of touch to escape the unstable, angry, judgemental egos that were constantly attacking me. i refuse to let that back in.

i've got a life full of good people and good things. a little drama can't compete with that. and i dont need it. i'll manage just fine.

i keep my friends close, and kick my enemies to the curb. it takes a lot to break my trust. but when its broken, its time to walk away.

so let's all just chill out, take stock, and live our own lives without all the bullshit from now on.

i am happy with things just as they are. i dont miss the drama. im not missing anything.

Blagojevich-Slapped

2009-02-04T12:37:00.016-05:00

Few moments on American television make me stand up, walk to my computer, and blog about that insanity that just ensued.

This is one of those moments:

Last night, while flipping channels in bed, I landed ever-so-briefly on the David Letterman show. It looked boring at first - Letterman interviewing Rod Blagojevich. But after a few seconds I couldn't take my eyes off the tv.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Letterman: "Tell us... Why exactly are you here?"

Blagojevich: "Well, you know, I've been wanting to be on your show in the worst way for the longest..."

Letterman: "Well, you're on in the worst way, believe me..."

Blagojevich: "This is just one big misunderstanding. I did nothing wrong, and I'll have an opportunity to be able to go in a court to prove that I did nothing wrong."

Letterman: "Wouldn't most people watching you here tonight take this as a blantant attempt to skew public opinion and torpedo jury selection?"

Audience: *mild laughter and agreeable applause

Blagojevich: "Your audience must really like you. I guess they'll laugh at anything you say, huh? Cuz That wasn't even funny... ha ha ha...."

Letterman: "ha-h- What."

HE TOLD LETTERMAN THAT HE WASN'T FUNNY AND HE TOLD THE AUDIENCE THAT THEY WERE MINDLESS SHEEP!

Letterman: blank stare.....

Audience: silence

Blagojevich: awkward laughter.... pats self on back...

Letterman took it like a pro, I gotta say. I would have punched the guy out.

I can't believe Blago-bitch thought he could go on a slew of talk shows and not look guilty. This is as bad as OJ writing "If I did it" (may as well be: "OK. I did it")

Letterman:: "Did you hear the joke about the Governer at the penatentiary? The food was better before you got there --"

Paul(off camera): "Leave it alone!"

--------------------------------------------------------------

More highlights from the show:

Letterman: *named three former Illinois governors who were engulfed in political scandals

Blagojevich: "Unlike those, I'll be vindicated," to laughter in the audience.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Letterman: "So, I've seen you making the circuit, hitting all the show.... and the more you repeated your innocence, the more I said to myself, 'Oh, this guy is guilty.'"

--------------------------------------------------------------

Letterman: So is it fair to say that your defense is that each of these was a misunderstanding, and was taken out of context?"

And he proceeded to play back an audio of Blagojevich incriminating himself.

Blagojevich: Phew I was afraid you were gonna have one of the other tapes - where i sounded like Christian Bale! I mean in my defense, i didn't know I was being recorded!

(Yeah, buddy, that's not a defense.)

--------------------------------------------------------------

Letterman: What do you plan to do between now and the trial?"

Blagojevich: "Well, I'm looking for work. Are you hiring?"

Letterman: "YEAH, right."

Yeah, right.

--------------------------------------------------------------

They also spent about 45 minutes debating whether he had recieved due process, with Letterman just knocking down every bullshit thing he said.

Letterman: So, do you use shampoo AND conditioner?

Evernote

2009-02-03T14:41:00.028-05:00

If you haven't heard of Evernote: check it out now

Evernote is an online application for posting, well, notes. I just recently discovered this marvelous little tool, and have already become hopeless dependant on it (in a good way).

I have it installed on my phone: a Samsung BlackJack II. I have my phone with me at all times, and I'm always looking for apps to make my life easier.

Sidenote: some people hate BlackJack for whatever reason... the keys are too small, it's not a touchscreen, the iphone can do this, a blackberry can do that... blah blah blah. I personally LOVE the Blackjack. I think it's the ideal size and functionality for a smartphone. It's got a qwerty keyboard, GPS, email, XM radio, an mp3 player, mobile TV, and still fits in your hand. I hate touchscreens because they are built to break.

So anyway:

Evernote's mobile interface allows me to jot down notes, take snapshots and videos, or grab anything on my phone - and instantly upload it to my online account.

You might be asking yourself: why not use google docs, or email, or any of the other million note-taking methods available?

Evernote is just better.

I don't have to pull open a browser on my phone, I don't have to wait for a webpage to load, I don't have to log in anywhere, and I don't have to browse for the picture I just took or find a place to save it. It's all available at the click of a button on my phone, without any browsing or loadtime.

I can make a shopping list at work, and pull it up at the grocery store. I can take notes in a meeting on my phone, and pull them up at my desk. I can take a screenshot of google maps or a contact page, and pull it up in the car. It displays everything in a graphical snapshot so all your notes are right in front of your eyes.

Plus it understands handwriting, so you can take a snapshot of a handwritten note, or jot down a note on your iphone or touchscreen, and evernote will read it like text. And the handwritten text is searchable. Instead of storing all of these as just images and handwriting - it recognizes the individual elements and characters present in those and makes them all searchable.

It's really an amazing app. I've been using for everything I can imagine - meeting notes, shopping lists, sketches, maps, snapshots, reminders, even as a journal of things molly says and does.

I tend to be really forgetful when it comes to the small stuff, but evernote is like a memory stick for my brain.

Yay Evernote!

I might even cave in and get an iPhone someday just to make even better use of it...

Close to Home

2009-01-26T14:49:00.009-05:00

Most of you know, I run a Gynecologic Cancer Awareness cause on facebook.

To all of us who are involved, this is not just some anonymous cause. It hits us close to home, and affects our lives everyday.

I know someone who is going back into treatment next week. Her cancer has been in remission for over 6 months now, but it's showing signs of returning, so the doctors are putting her back on a regiment of daily treatments to keep it in check.

It reminds me of how massive a spectrum of people this diease affects, and how invisible some of the victims can be to the world.

Sometimes the victims aren't in hospital beds undergoing radiation and losing their hair and struggling to walk.

Sometimes it's a single mom at home, giving herself injections while the baby sleeps, and gritting her teeth through the nausea and pain.

Sometimes it's a teenage girl in high school, trying to cover up the pallor in her face with make up, and trying to compensate for breasts that never grew in because her hormones were inbalanced.

Sometimes it's your sister. Or your daughter. Or your co-worker.

Are these women seen by the world, or even by their families?

The road to death's door is never pretty. Every step is steeped in puke and pain. The farther you are from the end of the road, the more suffering you have ahead of you. And the more time you have to lose yourself to the fear.

But you also have time to FIGHT. And you have time to live and love and say hellos and yes, goodbyes. Luxuries some women never have.

And most importantly, there's still time for the world to get off it's ass and find a cure.

Many of you are members because you love someone with cancer. I urge everyone reading this to join the cause, or if you're already a member, invite your friends or donate. Every little bit can help to comfort and cure the women you love.

Every little bit helps to support the cause. All proceeds go to the Gynecologic Cancer Foundation.

All my love goes out to everyone in this cause - for having the love and strength to be a part of something important.

Thank you!

-Amy

Gynecologic Cancer Awareness:
http://apps.facebook.com/causes/133458?m=1a240be5&recruiter_id=17953437

The Bullshit Diaries :: And we're BACK

2009-01-26T11:51:00.018-05:00

God... I hate drama and bullshit and mind games. I push and pull and run for my life and just when I think I've escaped all the insanity, there it is in my doorway again.

I would kill to live a normal life, with normal friends and normal interactions. I want NORMAL FRIENDS and happy people around me. no more drama-fucked-banshees.

I shouldn't have to walk on eggshells and be mindfull of every word I say for fear that I'll hear about it for the next week. I shouldn't have to "know better" than to mention whatever might be wrong in my life that day, for fear of "competing" with whatever their problem is.

It's always something.

I attract drama queens and vanity cases. I think my personality and affection fuel their egos so much that I end up in these one-sided friendships that destroy my self esteem and fall apart when I finally get fed up.

The more loving I am, the more bullshit it generates.

You'll call me everyday to keep you company and listen to your stories, and you'll turn around and call me a "tagalong". You'll help me pick out clothes and music, and then turn around an call me a "copycat". You'll tell me you need me and I'll come running, and you'll laugh at me and call me needy.

They really believe I'm just dying to be a clone of their obvious perfection.

What kind of person is so obsessed with themselves that they have to believe someone is trying to copy them to get through the day?

So I get laughed at by the friends you're too insecure to open up to about how much you need a connection. I get ridiculed for doing anything you've ever done in your whole life - because I must be copying you.

You want to be the center of attention - just so long as I'm the one they look at when they're laughing.

Seriously - It's always something. Drama, obsession, competition. It's a constant battle with some people. Even last week - I was greiving for my friend, and made a hopeless attempt to talk about how upset I was - and rather than getting sympathy, I got a list of ailments and drama - because god forbid I have it worse than YOU for one fucking day.

Do you really think I want to hear you whine about how "unfair" your perfect little life is, when I'm dealing with a close friend my own age who killed herself just days earlier?

I'm sorry, but some people are SO FUCKING SELFISH. They just can't stand having the attention drift from them for even a second. It's sickening.

Chill out, take some maylox and back the fuck off. It's not a competition. You don't need to be MORE in pain than me. And trust me - I'd much prefer to be alone and let you have all the attention in the world than fucking listen to you compete with my greif. It's just FUCKED UP.

For future reference: If you can't pretend to care how I feel - don't even TRY to "be there for me". You are not the center of my universe, you never will be.

Me - I have always been the most supportive and loving person I can be. If you're my friend and you have a problem, I rush to your side, bring you medicine, make you soup, pet your hair, hug you, kiss you and tell you everything will be ok - and if it's not ok, I'll MAKE IT ok. I will run into the street to quiet the traffic. I will punch anyone that tries to fuck you. I don't half ass anything when it comes to my friends.

It would be nice to get some reciprocation.

Now don't get me wrong - I have some amazing friends who did rush to my side and comfort me last week. I may complain about some people - but I do have some amazing friends with big hearts who care as much as I do.

I would kill to just spend time with those friends and talk about life and leave without wondering what tiny mistake I made that I'll hear about for 2 weeks. I would kill to get dressed in the morning without trying to remember if you ever owned anything similar.

That's why my friend Jen is one of my favorite people. She is NORMAL. We can like the same things and enjoy it. We can hang out and not push each other away. There's no drama hanging over every minute of every day.

You would think I had learned my lesson by now. How many friends do I have to let walk all over me before I stop letting them in? How many times do I have to break off contact before I realize nothing will change no matter how long I wait to go back.

Some people never change.

I've fallen for the words "I miss you" too many times. You don't miss me. You miss the doormat. You don't like the look of your own dirty footprints on everything you do. You'd much rather climb on my shoulders and let my shame sheild you from your own shortcomings.

I hope to live the rest of my life without succumbing to anyone else's abusive degradation ever again.

So thanks, but no thanks - I don't need to be your pet loser anymore.

I'm done believing that I'm less than you. I'm done ignoring the people who truly enjoy my company. I'm done. I have a strong life and a beautiful family who loves me. I have more heart and passion than any ego-tripping drama queen ever could. I don't need to feel inferior.

If I'm so pathetic - why don't you go jump back into that pile of superficial friends and see who sticks when you hit the bottom. You'll never have to worry about me "tagging along" again. I'll be long gone.

Have a nice downward spiral. Don't forget to write.

WTF Idol

2009-01-14T11:34:00.002-05:00

I was shocked and dismayed last night to see the singer of Go Betty Go audition on American Idol.

They didn't say the name of her band on the show, or indicate that she was in a FAMOUS TOURING BAND, but she did admit that if she got through the audition process - it would mean that she was cancelling an upcoming European tour.

WTF Emily Wynne-Hughes???

Robberbarons

2009-01-13T10:52:00.005-05:00

Back in October a couple guys broke into our house and stole a bunch of our things. The police caught them almost immediately, and they found our stuff ON them (literally, one dude had my laptop down his pants). So we ended up happily ever after and all that, but something still bugs me.

Right now these guys are in jail, awaiting trial. (Speedy huh?) So, in a few weeks, we'll walk into a court room, and sit across the room from these guys, and we'll testify as to what was stolen, and hopefully they will be convicted. Neat and tidy right?

Well I am FREAKED-THE-FUCK-OUT here. Sean is going to give a "Victim Impact Statement".

Wait... do you smell that?.... ew...oh...OH, duh... its BULLSHIT.

Seriously, the only mental anguish i'm suffering is fear that they will retaliate for us testifying against them. We weren't home at the time and we got our stuff back immediately. We didn't suffer. We didn't lose money, or even sleep.

I mean, what the fuck do they need us for - we didnt see ANYTHING. NADA. ZIP. ZILCH. I do want them to go to jail, but not if they blame us. Fuck that. I'm sure the police have a solid enough case based on finding the items down his PANTS.

Sean and I going up there is just a dog and pony show.

But there is nothing i can do about it now. He's testifying, and they are going to see him and start planning their revenge. I mean HELLO - they do know where we live after all. So again, please excuse me as I am FREAKED-THE-FUCK-OUT!

The end.

Trains!

2009-01-12T17:35:00.002-05:00

This weekend we took Molly to Kenilworth mall to see the trains!

I've gone to see the trains there since I was a little girl. There is this big fountain in the middle of the mall. They set up a huge train universe all around the fountain. They've added more and more to it over the years and it's totally awesome. Here is a partial view of the set up (which does NOT do it justice):

Molly was so excited to go. When we told her about it, all she said all day was "we going to the trains! the TRAINS!"

I posted all of the pictures on flickr: http://www.flickr.com/photos/amytoleson

Here are a few:

Molly watching the trains go around:

Molly and Grandma:

Me and Molly pressing the buttons:

Leaving the Mall:

Ok that one isn't of the trains - but it was so damn cute!

House Updates

2009-01-05T15:58:00.006-05:00

I think it's safe to say I am on a perpetual renovation kick. Though I suppose it's not a "kick" if it's constant. I watch tons and tons of home improvement shows, and will stare at my rooms imagining how I can rearrange or improve them.

It's a disease.

Sadly most of my design involve purchasing new and better furniture and accents, or tearing down walls and installing built-ins.

None of which I can afford. So I'm stuck in an infinite loop of renovation desperation.

I'm dying to redo my kitchen one day. It is a serious hell hole. I have one (1) cabinet that we can actually use for dishes. We have to store our food in the linen closet in the hall by the bathroom. The sink is resting on a rusted metal "base cabinet", with a peeling laminate countertop and a very unsettling built in butcher's block. There are two 12 inch cabinets overlapping each other in the corner, mostly inaccessible. Not to worry though - one of the doors broke off, so it's much easier to reach in now.

I've seriously considered submitting my kitchen to one of the shows to have it overhauled. I would take ANYTHING. Any crazy awesome design would be better than this.

But I know I'd never win.

I did draw up a serious and amazing plan to redo the kitchen with ikea cabinets.

(click for full size)

That's what I'm really hoping to accomplish eventually. It would only cost like 2 grand, but I can't afford that anytime soon.

So I guess it's rusty pb&j for now.

We did finally make some big changes this weekend. We moved all of molly's toys and bins and stuff into our, previously unused, spare bedroom on the first floor. She has her own room upstairs with her wardrobe and some toys and a lot of space, but until now she had been playing in the living room, with ALL her toys everywhere. It wasn't a space we could use to entertain or really relax in. It was her playroom.

Now we've cleared out the living room so we can actually LIVE in it.

She LOVES her new room. She can't stop talking about it. Every morning she wakes up and asked "can i go to MY room now?". She has her own comfy chair and tv and rack of disney movies in her new room.

We christened the room the first night by all sitting together on the big chair and watching Beauty and the Beast. It was awesome.

Here are some pics of the room:

It's not a great makeover. It's not perfect. It's not the prettiest, most functional room ever made. But it's hers. And it's special to us. And it was FREE!!!!

Seriously though, it really makes the house feel more finished. The living room is more open and usable. And the fireplace isn't all blocked off. It's just really nice.

Sometimes I just need to make a big CHANGE to settle my mind.

New Office - View

2008-12-29T15:33:00.003-05:00

Friendship

2008-12-19T11:33:00.003-05:00

People are going to do whatever the hell they want, and sometimes you need to just accept that if you want to keep friends.

I consider myself a good solid friend. I never lie, I never steal, I never rip people off. I come running at the drop of a hat to help, fix, rescue, or listen. I am considerate and attentive. I am accepting and loyal and reliable. I will back my friends up even when they are dead wrong, if that's what they need from me.

And I am forgiving, to a fault. If I find out something horrible or hurtful about my best friend, I suffer my emotions and then I let it go. I have to. I flat out DROP IT because all that matters is friendship.

Why? Because people are going to do what-ever-the-hell-they-want.

And that's the bottom-fucking-line.

What is the word for someone who refuses to admit their mistakes? Someone who disappears and shuts down and puts up walls when they are confronted with a truth about themselves, or an accusation about their behavior? What are they called?

I wish I knew the word.

Coward comes to mind, but thats not it. Two-faced backstabbing coward. Nope, still not right.

Here's a word I know: Hypocracy. It's a vicious beast. It is a vile cruel monster that lives inside of everyone, and takes over the ones who are the weakest of character.

Everyone has their flaws and makes their mistakes. But only those few weak moral vessels blindly uphold their blatant double standards from the comfort of a high horse. They lie, cheat, steal and judge. They insult and betray and disappoint.

And they come out swinging when anyone dare do the same back to them.

They refuse to show compassion and forgiveness when someone makes the same mistakes they make. "Do as I say, not as I do". "Be perfect, but don't expect the same from me" It's all the same garbage.

So what to do about it? Do you abandon your friends who's hypocracy has hurt you and damaged the friendship? Or do you stand by your own moral code and accept this as just another flaw to know and love about your friend.

Where is the line? Do you wait until the hypocracy hurts you or someone else before you put your foot down?

It's harder when your friend refuses to talk about anything. They call themselves "non-contfrontational". Isn't that a riot? I'd be a weak, defensive coward if I refused to own up to my mistakes. But you, you're "non-confrontational". A good guy, jus trying to keep the peace, eh? Another "feature" of their personality (that they would never tolerate in anyone else).

If you can't even confront a friend on their flaws and mistakes and violations, then how do you get past anything? A vicious cycle is hard to break and even harder to bear.

So now what?

If you "get out while you can" are you just abandoning your friend when they need you most, are you just as guilty as they are now?

So what then? Do you stay, and accept, and tolerate, and be the friend you wish they were?

Where is the line? When is this person no longer worth your time?

Can you even remember why they were worth your time to begin with? If it becomes nothing but a blur of disappointments and betrayals and lies and fighting - is it still a friendship?

And if it's not still a friendship, do you still need to stand by them?

A vicious moral dilemma to say the least.

I try not to unload my personal trials in my blog. I hate the idea of pairing my beautiful family moments with the dark internal battles I'm facing. But I'm just so pissed off today. And, as I'm sure you've gathered - i'm short one friend to talk it over with.

Decisions, decisions....

Santa on the Fire Truck

2008-12-16T13:47:00.006-05:00

Last sunday Molly got to see Santa on a Fire Truck! He came around the neighborhood on an old antique fire truck to meet all the kids.

We waited outside on the corner for him:

And Molly gave him a very special Christmas Card:

And he gave her a candy cane!

And then he drove away

And we went home

She's a Busy Lady

2008-12-12T18:27:00.003-05:00

anyone who says "never give a 2 year old a ballpoint pen" obviously doesn't know how amusing it is.

Toddler Logic

2008-12-12T12:02:00.002-05:00

Last night Molly was helping my mom decorate her christmas tree, while Sean and I went out on a "date". So, they were putting all the ornaments up and stringing the lights and Molly was having a great time.

And of course they finished it off with the angel at the very top.

Our angel is this old (indestructable) baby doll head with a cardboard cone body, and some kind of equally finely crafted wings. Don't get me wrong - we love that thing.

Well apparently Molly looked up at the tree and freaked out and starting pointing and yelling "Noooo! The BABY is stuck in the tree! The baby is stuck in the TREEEEEE!!!"

I don't know what's cuter: the fact that she thought it was a baby that had gotten stuck at the top of our christmas tree......OR the fact that she wanted to help it. She's so sweet and responsible.

I love Molly! XO

Molly and Santa

2008-12-10T16:20:00.001-05:00

New video posted:

Molly and Santa from Amy Toleson on Vimeo.

BOSTON

2008-12-05T13:21:00.015-05:00

Boston Friends:

We'll be in MA this weekend, from saturday morning until sunday night - maybe monday morning. We'll be driving up to Attleboro tonight, and getting in by tomorrow morning. We're staying at the Holiday Inn in Mansfield, just of 495.

We're going to a big party with all of Sean's family sunday night, but we'll be pretty much free the rest of the weekend, so give me a call or email if you're going to be around. I'd love to see anyone and everyone!

I'm going to be driving my *fabulous* rental car - a barebones black PT cruiser from enterprise - instead of my beautiful pimped out caliber, which is still in the shop after my accident a few weeks ago.

I think we'll survive though. The POS Cruiser only get 17 mpg though. I can't even believe that. How can something so practical be so impractical?

Last year's party was great. We got to see all of Sean's relatives - uncles, aunts, cousins.

And Molly wore her pretty christmas dress:

And she made friends with some of the grandkids and baby cousins:

And she got a new doggie to play with.....

and ran screaming from Santa.

Not everyone was afraid of Santa though:

She really is gonna have a blast this time. I'm really looking forward to getting up there and seeing everyone and showing Molly all the places Sean and I used to love.

I'll be posting NEW pictures from the trip when we get back.

Hopefully this year Molly will figure out how awesome Santa really is!

Maybe Sean can show her ;-)

Internet Presence

2008-12-04T17:10:00.004-05:00

Facebook really triggered a whole new level of internet presence in my life. I used to just have a myspace, and connect with my friends using comments and blogs and photos.

When I joined Facebook I started out doing those same things on there, just in a different format, with different friends. Then I slowly started discovering all the other outlets available to me, and that I could import them into facebook to really build a comprehensive identity.

My myspace identity was an immature self-indulgent wasteland - portraying me as a member of this punk/emo scene that i didnt even participate in anymore. Ridiculous vanity photos and dramatic blog rants. Clever quotes and misanthropic song lyrics designed to make me look cool and special and deep, to what? impress the cesspool of self-absorbed losers that actually read them.

Why was I clinging to that site? What was a possibly getting out of that? Sure, some of my real friends were on there, and we communicated often, but it wasnt anything that couldnt be accomplished over email. Admittedly, some of my friends are still stuck in the site, and won't communicate the real them over email, but I think it's better not to stick around just for that.

Facebook puts out an entirely different persona. The normal, civil, succesful woman, who has a husband, and a 2 year old daughter, and owns a house and has a career and a clear mind with good ideas.

Now suddenly I have a blog, a flickr, 3 charitable causes I run, a linkedin profile, a twitter, a digg account, and a youtube channel.

I posted a note today on my Gynecologic Cancer Awareness cause to help drum up donations and support for the cause. (Check it out.) I run this cause, and am building a memberbase, and connecting with the GC Foundation.

I'm also in the process of building my own new website - to both promote my web development, and to execute and display my newest entrepenourial project.

This side of the internet has doors and windows to real life.

It's more than just switching from one stupid social networking site to another. It's switching from a social battleground to a workshop for your life. I can build my ideas and connect with family and showcase my memories. It's an outlet for every creative, professional and domestic urge i have.

Everything in this Facebook universe is connected and tangible. Every website out there these days has links to post on your facebook or twitter or blog. Everything is clean and open and calming. There is no dark, dramatic, sinister undertone. No codependant attachment, no narcissistic scening.

I prefer being grown up and building something.

I will miss having an outlet to post stream of conciousness poetry and song lyrics. I'm still far too shy to post those here. Maybe I'll build a second blog and post them under an assumed name. I do one day want to publish a book of all of my poetry. I have a few book ideas actually. But that's a story for another day.

OK, I will admit that this blog was a ridiculous waste of time, and borderline pathetic. And I cringe at the parts that make me sound like some moron who just discovered the internet and can't wait to tell all her friends how neat-o it is.

Sometimes I just need to write.

6 Years Ago Today: PART II

2008-12-01T11:03:00.010-05:00

I think my favorite job so far was working as a children's photographer.

I had moved down to providence for Jeff, and after we broke up, i was lost for a while. I had dropped out of school. i had no job. i was still sick. Jasper, my dalmatian, had just died. my days were spent playing video games, doing freelance html work for an old friend, and training oscar.

i was working one or two nights a week as a dog trainer at petco, but that only made me 100 bucks a night, so i went looking for a job. i had ZERO interest in continuing my internet career, so i was looking for more simple jobs.

i worked for 2 weeks at an italian restaurant as a line cook. i worked for a day as a watiress at an applebees. i worked for a week as a snowboard instructor.

then i saw a few ads for photographers on craigslist. one was for lifetouch - as a traveling school photographer. the other didnt specify. both offered paid training and immediate start date.

i could have taken the job at lifetouch, and probably made more money, but seriously, who wants to haul equipment to 3 high schools a day just to make surly teenagers smile awkwardly and make fun of your clothes? exactly.

the interview was at babies r us in attleboro mass. they had just built the Kiddie Kandids studio inside the store, and were recruiting a half dozen girls to fill the store. it wasn't so much an interview as it was an "are you willing to work here?" session.

that place was really was nuts. they taught us how to use the equipment and all that. Then they taught us their "patented techniques" to make kids smile. Basically this was a rigorous curriculum of whooping and hollering and screeching to surprise and delight toddlers.

it was humiliating.

i almost quit after the first day of training. but i suffered through it to get paid. once the job actually started, and i started to interact with the kids and see how well it worked, i actually really got into the whole act.

it's amazing what a grown woman will do to make a baby smile.

I really enjoyed working there. It was so much fun, and I got really good at the job. I learned how to hold a baby, and set them up in these ridiculous little scenes, like a bathtub set and a fireman. I learned how to make a screaming toddler giggle and smile for me for just long enough to pull away and snap the picture. I would absolutely do that again someday. It's one of the most rewarding jobs I've ever had. i made a few really good friends there too.

My very first day there i met Hilary. By day 2 we had decided to move in together and were looking at apartments. she was one of the best friends I ever had. and they were in short supply for me at the time.

hilary had this boyfriend. he was 17, ridiculously hot, and hung out with his 17 year old friend's in his mom's basement. i started hanging out with them every night, and going to their ridiculous illegal parties on the beach, with their illegal drinking. i was 22 at the time.

i actually almost got arrested one night because i was at one of these parties. The cops came to break it up, and i being so brilliant flashed my ID and stated very confidently that i was over 21. well as you may know, if you are the only "adult" in a party full of teenagers drinking alcohol you are guilty of corrupting a minor. fortunately the cops didn't feel like making my life hell for a night, so we scampered off and drove home.

good times.

one day at work. during lunch, hilary dragged me over to some friend's house. we wandered into his house without knocking, and passed by his brothers in the living room, and went to his room unannounced. he didn't seem to mind.

he came out to lunch with us. we went to this awesome little place in attleboro called Coney Island Hot Dogs. It was just this little hole in the wall diner that served 3 kinds of hot dogs and 1 kind of french fries. Best damn hot dogs in the country.

For the first 10 minutes of my interaction with this guy, i was inexplicably using a russian accent. i was apparently very commited to the performance, and had him completely fooled. i still giggle about that.

i remember when we dropped him off i caught him mouthing to Hilary that i was "HOT".

so we went back to work and continued our daily ritual of humiliation in front of our loyal customers.

i actually really enjoyed working there. i remember on breaks i would wander the store and look at all of the pretty baby things. i was single and had no reason to be looking, and i wasn't really craving a baby. i just felt happy there.

a few night later, hilary and i went out to another brilliant underaged gathering, this time in the woods. we climbed this insane hill to meet up with her friends by this pile of rocks. i had an awful time and ended up sitting by myself on a big rock, drinking a bottle of wine, and staring at the stars.

Hilary joined me and we had this completely surprising conversation about life and love. i was still generally disillusioned by the Jeff fiasco. She tried to talk to me into dating some of her boyfriend's buddies. I can't think of anything worse than me dating an 18 year old. I already think of boys as too immature when their my own age.

No. I just wanted LOVE. real, true, fall completely into it kind of love. No more DATING.

I asked about the guy she had introduced me to the other day. He was cute. "Really?" she said. "isn't he kinda.... meh?".

I didn't think so. I liked him...

I remember her telling me all about him... how they met, how much of a dork he was, where he went to school, his obsession with comic books, and philosophy. She also told me he was a hopeless romantic and wanted to fall in love.

HELLO?!? Well so finally it clicked in her mind and she gave him my number.

And that's how I ended up dating Sean. :-)

On our first date, I went to his house, and he made me a homemade lunch and sang me a love song. Then we went car shopping for him and I showed him my place, and he met Oscar and then we went back to his house and I met his parents.

We spent 9 hours together that day.

The next 4 months were a complete whirlwind. Hilary and I moved in together into Federal Hill.. It was a gorgeous apartment, right on the main tattoo strip in downtown providence.

Sean and I spent nearly all of our time together. Everyday we sat on the sofa playing video games or watching movies. Every evening we walked to the pizza place and we each ate a whole pizza. We went to the tattoo shops and browsed the books. We wandered through the mall and went to movies every week. Once we spent 40 dollars in singles winning all of the marvel toys out of the movie theater claw machine. We took Oscar down to the beach and to the dog park. We always held hands when we drove anywhere.

We were together less than a month when we first said we loved each other.

He proposed after 3 months.

Anyone that questions why I'm with Sean, or why we got married so fast, simply doesnt understand how completely overwhelming and perfect we were together. I believe in soulmates, because I found mine.

When I quit my job at Kiddie Kandids, I tried to make ends meet doing freelance work, but I just couldnt get my shit together. Part of the problem was that every time I tried to work at night I would see Sean and Oscar sleeping 2 feet from my desk and I would convince myself I could take a little nap before finishing. Sean had the same problem. He was in college at the time, but he couldn't tear himself away from my apartment to go to classes, much less take his exams.

I was the happiest I've ever been, but I was BROKE.

I made the decision to move back home to maryland so I could start over, get back to my career, buy a house. Sean dropped everything he knew and loved to follow me down here. No one has ever loved me like that, or sacrificed anything for me.

We moved over christmas. He dropped out of school, and we moved into my mom's house for a few weeks.

A year later we owned a house and were planning a wedding. A year after that I found out I was pregnant with molly. A year later we shared our first christmas with our beautiful new baby girl.

And 2 years later, here we are.

Love isn't a fantasy, it isn't a mystery. Love is our stories and our memories. Love is our mistakes and our adventures and our stupid inside jokes. Love is our homes and our children.

XO

6 Years Ago Today: PART I

2008-11-25T12:43:00.016-05:00

Most of the people who know me now are new friends, or old friends, or family. Few of you know much about my life in Boston and Providence, after college, and before Sean.

This is the story of that pivotal year between Amadeus, and Forever

I left my job at Amadeus 6 years ago today. A fresh start, let's call it... and it was the best damn move I ever made. Almost immediately I cut off all ties to my friend's in Boston, except for a few special exceptions.

I enrolled in Bridgewater to start back on my pre-veterinary coursework, to finally live out my one last dream.

I sold my new car to pay off the loan since I couldn't' afford payments anymore, and started looking for something I could pay cash for, to get me to and from school.

Fate is a funny little bitch.

I ended up finding this sweet sweet 88 Ford Bronco. Not a dream car by most people's standards, but I'm not most people. So I drove up to burlington to meet this dude with the Bronco.

This picture is just a close comparison - but doesn't come close to illustrating the awesome power of this bronco. This bronco was sweet - huge tires, lifted 4 inches, new bumpers and fenders, clean lines, bright white and red paint job. It was the greatest.

I had never driven a stick before, except for one lesson a friend had given me in CHINATOWN AT RUSH HOUR. I fumbled a bit, but took it for a decent test drive. I remember the guy was completely freaked out by my driving, but I was having the time of my life.

The guy selling it was this really nice young guy. It's was winter, and he had a ski cap on, and he was so excited about this car. It was clearly his baby. He took me off road in it to show me all the great things it could do. He told me all about how he'd driven it cross country when he took a year off to live in Arizona, and how he's replaced half the engine along the way, whenever he broke down or hit something. It really was in excellent shape. 200K on the odometer, but half the engine was brand new. So I bought it on the spot.

I have no idea how I had gotten to Burlington, or how I got back. But I do remember I asked the guy to drop it off after he got the windshield replaced and the inspection done.

So he showed up at my place in Southie, keys in hand. I remember when I saw him this second time I was completely smitten. I suddenly noticed his eyes, and his smile and under that hat he had been hiding this awesome head of curly hair.

After we signed the papers and everything was official, I walked him downstairs and he didn't even get 2 steps before turning around and asking me out.

Only I would end up looking for a car and ending up with a boyfriend.

Jeff really was a great guy. And he came at a time in my life when I really needed someone who really cared about me. And he did. He was your classic stoner – sweet, loving, goofy, rugged.

About a week after I started dating him I moved to providence to be closer to him.... err, um..... closer to school, yeah, school. No really though both. I moved in with this CRAZY LADY. Named Marian. She seemed really awesome at the time. She had this great old victorian in the ghettoest part of providence. The room she rented me was painted orange and we had a kickass art studio upstairs. And we got along great.

Oh yeah, until she went CRAZY and started having manic-depressive episodes and screaming at 2am and throwing things around the kitchen.

I got out of there after about a month and we found me a nice quiet 1 bedroom in north providence. Much better.

Jeff's place was AWESOME though. He lived with about 6 of his friends in this giant old victorian they were fixing up. It was pretty much a commune, but I really dig that place. I was never a stoner or into all that crap, but it was nice to be around such a nice group. They were all architecture students and they were turning the house into this amazing functional work of art. I loved that place.

Damn.... he still has my purple chair! Crap....

Anyhow.. Jeff really was a good guy, and we did a lot of things together. He pulled me out of my shell, and took my hiking and kayaking, and off-roading. And I met his parents, and he taught me how to fix up the bronco, and he told me he loved me. We had big breakfasts at his house and I went to work with him sometimes, and he drove me to school sometimes. He took me out with him plowing roads in Burlington at 5am, and brought me to his friend's cabin in Maine.

The reason I thought of all this today was because I have this crippling migraine knawing at my brain today. I've been getting these thumping headaches for 6 years now, ever since he made me dinner one night.

Ziti with olives and mushrooms.

I didn't have the heart to tell him I was allergic to mushrooms, and ate just a few to be polite.

So 3 hours later, there i was stumbling down his hall, doubled over in pain. then i blacked out and slammed head first into this (ridiculous) metal table he had in the bathroom.

apparently i was screaming bloody murder for about 5 minutes while still unconcious. when i came too, he was trying to carry me down the stairs because i couldn't move my arms or legs. it turned out to be from shock, but it was scary nonetheless. he was so freaked out. he was panicking, almost crying.

Oh god.... then, when we got to the hosptial, after they stitched me up, and gave me some pain killers.... they took me aside and gave me a rigid "DVR" - their discrete "Domestic Violence Routine", standard policy for late night head injuries involving a young women escorted by her boyfriend.

Poor Jeff, the most innocent sweet guy in the world, who had made me dinner, and comforted me and gave me ginger ale when i was quesy before going to bed, and who carried me down the stairs when i cracked my head open at 2am.... being interrogated in the next room by a police officer.

He was such a good guy. I still feel bad about that.

There's a lot more to that story, but let's just say in the end it didn't work out.

Then I got sick, quit school, and just generally shut down for a few months. Well not completely – having quit pre-vet, I still wanted to work with animals, so I got myself certified as a dog trainer and did that for peanuts for a while. I still did freelance web-design on the side to pay the bills, but I LOVED training those dogs.

My career path at the time: Staples, to Network Admin at a dot-com, to Pre-Vet college student, to Dog Trainer.

Next logical step? Children's Photographer, duh.

Stay tuned for PART II – coming tomorrow!

Bye Bye MySpace

2008-11-21T17:02:00.003-05:00

I finally pulled the trigger and deleted my myspace account today!

Jeez that took me a long time. I kept freaking out and thinking I had to hold onto it for some reason. But It's finally DONE and I can reclaim my sanity.

I was seriously addicted to that site for a long time. I've managed to lose interest in the past few weeks, and switch my focus to real life and real people.

Of course I still have my blog here, which I plan to update regularly now that I don't have a myspace blog to rant into. And I'm keeping my facebook because that's where my more substantial friends and family are, and of course where I run my Awareness Causes.

Ok, time to get back to work.

Romantic Winter Nights

2008-11-21T12:50:00.002-05:00

10000 miles!

2008-11-19T16:35:00.004-05:00

Threes

2008-11-17T13:55:00.000-05:00

For those of you I haven't called with the not-so-riveting details of my day on friday - here it is:

I was driving to work at around 9:45, on time for a change. That was my mistake.

It was rainy and slippery on the road, and the traffic was worse because it was early and people were trying to race in by 10am - unlike my usual 10:05 trip which is virtually abandoned.

Amazingly, I was also driving the speed limit.

That particular combination of timeliness and speed intertwined to create the perfect mathematical equation for total fucking disaster.

Either that or the stupid bitch in the minivan is too stupid to look where she's going.

So there I am, driving along, on time, going the speed limit, when that dumb woman in her dumb minivan cuts right in front of me while I'm going full speed.

I slammed on my brakes, which of course only managed to lock them and still propel me forward at full speed.

So I swerved to the right (out of some idiotic instinct to not hit the dumb bitch's car), and ended up careening onto the sidewalk at full speed, dodging trashcans, bushes and lamp posts, and slamming into 3 parked cars and a unusally dense hedge, out side of the ghetto mcdonalds on franklin.

Somehow my air bag did not deploy.

When i looked up, the guy in the cherokee i landed inside of was just staring at me with his jaw literally agape, just like the movies.

When I got out of the car, people kept asking me why i hadn't used my brakes. OF COURSE I USED THE BRAKES. The road was covered in oil and water and my brakes did nothing.

When the cop showed up he impressed us all with his professionalism and heart.

cop: "Did you call for a cop?"

me: "Yeah, there's been an accident, we need to fill out a report for the insurance claims"

cop: "Fuck."

Baltimore's finest, at his finest. What a douchebag. How did he even manage to drive up and not see the fucking car on the sidewalk in the first place?

He also made ME fill out his police report.

Right after the accident, a woman had tried to chase down the car that cut me off, to at least get the license plate. And about 5 people saw the whole thing, so they knew I hadn't caused the accident. But blue boy didn't even get any of their information or stories, so there is no record of their accounts to save me from a massive insurance hit, and possibly civil charges.

Sean ended up calling his sergeant and busting him out for profanity and generally not doing his fucking job.

Anyway, that's all. This note is titled "Threes" because people keep saying to me "well things happen in threes, so you're in the clear, right?" This is based on the fact that Sean got into an accident last week, and my Aunt Pat died on Thursday (rest her soul).

I'm a little more skeptical of this theory. I think that if things happen in threes, then I'm more likely to have another car accident, and 2 more deaths.

I really just want to curl up in a ball and sleep today. FTW

the boys

2008-11-16T13:18:00.001-05:00

Leaves

2008-11-08T13:57:00.000-05:00

Molly and Wesley playing the leaves
(see all the pics on flickr)

see all the pics on flickr

Halloweenie!

2008-11-01T11:16:00.001-04:00

see all the pics on flickr!

Fuck this Town, Fuck it Inside Out

2008-10-29T04:00:00.002-04:00

we got robbed.

someone broke into our house and robbed us today.

i'm sitting here, awake and 1:30am, while detectives wander my house, and a crime scene tech dusts for fingerprints.

i feel like such a cliche too.... i feel "violated".

im scared and upset and anxious. i feel like i'm not safe in my own house. i feel like nothing can protect me and nothing can stop someone from just waltzing in to my houseand fucking with my life.

i cried like a baby when i found out. i didn't know what to do. i thought sean was joking at first. i actually yelled at him and told him not to fuck with me.

fuck.

the crime scene lady is still here. now she's calling in to find out if they can match the gouge marks in the door to a screwdriver found on a suspect.

i don't like this!

i can handle everything except that they took my grandmother's necklace. i wore that on my wedding day. it means the fucking world to me. and it's not worth a penny on the street. why the fuck did they have to take that, of all things?

FUCK YOU

we're gonna fry your ass in court. you don't fuck with my family and get away with it.

this sucks

Pumpkin Day!

2008-10-19T11:11:00.001-04:00

see all the pics from this weekend on flickr

Happy Happy, Joy Joy

2008-09-01T11:05:00.001-04:00

ever since i found out i was pregnant i've had this list in my head of things i just can't wait to do with molly. the big ones. teaching her to walk. hearing her first words. taking her to her first day of school. buying her first drum set. teaching her to ride a bike.... stuff like that. all those huge, special things that i always loved and can't wait to pass on.

and this weekend i got to do one more of those!

i've been going to the fair every year since i was a kid. i know a lot of people hate the fair, either because they think it's dumb, or just because it fucks up traffic on york road.

but i love it. i always have.

we all have our happy places. this is probably my happiest happy place. it only comes around once a year, so i always used to dream about it for weeks and soaked in every second. my favoritest rides, my favoritest games. the animals. and the funnel cake!

and we finally got to take molly!

we really had an amazing time. i'm so happy i finally got to do this. i really needed a reminder of what i've been fighting for, and what really matters.

i posted a LOT of pictures on flickr.... so please go there and check them out!

My Pet Peeves

2008-07-19T19:30:00.001-04:00

1.) LYING. I hate people who lie to my face. I especially hate people who claim to *abhore* lying, then turn around and lie to my face everyday (like I'm fucking stupid, and of course, worthless). And I loathe people who climb on their high horses and condemn anyone who lies to them, when they are nothing but fucking liars themselves.

2.) LAZINESS. I hate people who bitch about how much "pressure" they are under when they wont lift a fucking finger to get things off their plate. These people are fucking disgusting lumps of worthless shit.

3.) HYPOCRITES. I hate people who insist you do things, or do them a certain way, but refuse to do anything for you or your way. These people are selfish and will never try to make you happy.

ragdoll physics

2008-01-19T11:47:00.000-05:00

this is tragic.

i have sadly come to realize that my dear friend, ragdoll physics (seems to) have been driven to extinction with the advent of today's next-gen systems and motion capture technology.

gone are the days of shotgun somersaults and explosion pirouettes. gone are the days of melee belly flops.

how can i be expected to be passionate about a world that doesnt even allow me to send an enemy bouncing irreverently across a canyon, or throw my skater in front of a bus to to launch him across the world for maximum distance?

sigh.

what a waste of surreality.

HAPPY MOLLY DAY!

2007-08-05T11:57:00.000-04:00

it's molly's ONE YEAR birthday today!!!!

YAY MOLLY!!!!

First Steps!

2007-08-02T11:58:00.000-04:00

yay! molly walked over to me all by herself today!

(yeah yeah i know some of you have SUPERBABIES that have been walking for weeks now, or whatever. i dont wanna hear it. give me my fucking moment here, ok? "friends" should know not to compete.)

yay molly!

R 825

2007-07-02T12:00:00.000-04:00

i buried my grammy today.

my family was crying, and looking at my dry eyes with disgust, but my tears didnt come until later when i was alone in the car driving to work. that's how i am. i'm sorry i seem so cold sometimes, it's really not true. i just can't reach into myself when people are around.

but all week i've been hit by moments of the deepest grief. sobbing onto sean's friendly shoulder.

i appreciate how much i've been able to rely on sean during all this. even during the worst fights, when my mind has turned to these sad thoughts, he rushed to my side to hold me.

my grammy was great. she sang her heart out everyday. she put music into my life. i feel like shit for selling her piano. we used to play gin rummy and watch bad movies in her living room, and just hang out.

towards the end of her life, her body couldnt contain her spirit, and it was failing her. it didnt do her soul justice. she wasn't "her" anymore. part of me thinks she left it long ago. either way, now she's happier, i'm sure..

everyone has been so awesome. i got a lot of nice cards and support from my friends, and i just wanna say thanks.

mollipop!

2007-06-28T12:02:00.000-04:00

doc says.. molly has THE biggest head EVER.

off the chart.

~ that's my girl.

saddest thing ever

2007-06-19T12:03:00.000-04:00

= baby laryngitis!

and the word of the day is.....

2007-05-21T12:06:00.000-04:00

MA-MA!

my little mollywog rocks sooooo much. everytime she sees me she says "maa-ma!" with a big drooly grin on her face. i love her. and she's got so much else to say. i can't wait to hear it all.

punkin house!

2007-04-24T12:07:00.000-04:00

things are finally getting close. we have perdy pumpkin walls and shiney hardwood floors. i'm aching. but it's worth it. we still need to finish painting a few rooms and tear up some scary carpet on the stairs. but it's yay.

saturday we actually "move" our stuff. sunday we make it pretty. and monday i sleep under my desk at work. (if they havent fired me yet)

i'm happy tho.

this is the house we bought to raise molly in, so it's pretty effing special, despite all its flaws. and so are we sammit.

someday soon everything will be done.
with a pretty nursery,
and fancy windows,
and a hardcore ROCK DEN in the basement.

yay!

BEAT DAY

2007-04-05T12:08:00.000-04:00

MOLLY
IS
8 months old
(today)
!!!!

HOUSE

2007-03-21T12:09:00.000-04:00

we just bought a new house!

it's yay. 4 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, huge yard, screened porch, plus a giant 1200 sq ft art studio/band room/basement. it's like 3 times the house we have now. i'm so stoked.

chompers!

2007-02-15T12:11:00.000-05:00

molly has her first real chompers!!!

two pretty little teeth popped through this week!

YAY

little molly foo foo

2007-02-09T12:11:00.000-05:00

little molly foo foo

chompin through the forest

scooping up the fieldmice

and chompin off their heads!

molly knows physics!

2007-02-02T12:12:00.000-05:00

YAY

Y

Nintendo DS Warnings

2006-12-26T12:15:00.000-05:00

(sean got me a DS for XXXmas)

While a fire looks like a good place to store your Nintendo DS, you may want to consider one of the officially licensed Nintendo cases.

If you see this, you have awoken the Genie of the DS!
He's probably pissed off that we made him manufacture these in China for 10 cents an hour. Run away!

The DS's power cord is too short to be used as effective nunchucks. Instead, Nintendo recommends attaching the DS the the handle of a katana.

If you DS gets thirsty, be sure to use a straw. He's a sloppy motherer.

Playing the DS while driving is distracting.
You may find yourself doing odd things like driving on the wrong side of the car.

Be sure to keep your DS in close reach of your children.
You wouldn't want your kids straining themselves when they want to play Animal Crossing or take a piss on your DS.

Be sure to use 2 DSs' when attempting to rollerskate.
Using one is just stupid.

If your are going to throw your DS out the window, make sure pick a suitable target like your friends' head.
Pretty much anything other than the sidewalk will do.

While the DS stylus is tasty, its a much better fit up your nose, or even better, inside your eyelid.

Don't try to bed the DS without taking it out for an expensive meal. Its not a slut like the PSP.

Putting only one DS in your back pocket will make your ass look really weird. Go with two for that Jennifer Lopez look.

Pushing your fingers through the DS will likely give you some kind of super-human powers ala Electro.
Do not do so unless you can handle the responsibility.

molly's first christmas!

2006-12-25T12:16:00.000-05:00

duh, did you not expect a blog about this?

i actually don't have much to say here, just that molly's first christmas was awesome! molly got tons of great gifts from all her adoring fans. and we got lots of pictures (coming soon)

on christmas eve we went to a big party at my aunt's house, and she got to see all the other little kids in the family. (btw, a new baby is a GREAT excuse to leave a family function early!)

then we went back to my mom's house, put her to bed and i got drunk off my ass on overpriced wine.

christmas day she saw her grandpa for the first time since she was born. then big aunt katie and i got some christmas fried chicken and western fries. (what?)

then of course we had the traditional o'conor family brawl.

good times.

My Little BeatBox

2006-12-05T12:19:00.000-05:00

Molly is 4 months old today! (yes i'm lame... but i don't care!!!)

I love you supergrrl <3

FANGS

2006-11-21T12:19:00.000-05:00

chompers is getting her chompers!

she started teething (wicked early) and is SO miserable.
poor beatbox, can't catch a break.

CHOMP CHOMP
I'm A TRUCK
YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

the happy family build-a-bear blog

2006-11-10T18:21:00.000-05:00

Molly and Sean and I went to Build-A-Bear last night.

it's was rrrawesome!

we made her a Giraffe named CHOMPERS!

and you get to record your own sound to put inside.... so we tried for a solid 15 minutes to capture the "blaaaaahbiddablaahblah pllllllllffffffffft" sound but it just never came out right.

so Molly's giraffe says "CHOMP!"

we decided we're going to take her back every year on her birthday. she can make a new one and pick everything out herself, then we laugh at how ridulous they were later on. oh yeah and cherished childhood memories blah blah blah

i *need* to go back there soon tho. i must build a Punked Out Hello Kitty and a HOOKER Cat.

miami

2006-10-01T12:23:00.000-04:00

miami was awesomeness. samba bar, belly dancing, stripper cheetah tiger girls, hurricane rain, misty, sign stealing, drunk me awesomemess.

my favorite person was gary. from canton. we were everywhere at the same time. we forced people to give us their seats so we could sit together on the plane. we are loud. i knew him for 3 hours. we already have a secret handshake. he's my new best friend.

second favorite is angry stomach-thong mango's dancer bartender. she hated life. except when she was shaking her ass. (i can relate)

third favorite is angry flirty german dude.

miami ruled. what DID NOT RULE was getting a call during my vacation from sean, telling me fucky news. some people just don't comprehend how important it is to not ruin someones vacation for anything especially if they can't do anything about until they get back anyway.

for those of you who are still listening after that last suckfest of a paragraph.... here's some more story...

so my mom is having big scary surgery this week. she might lose her vision entirely. i can't even discuss the heartbreaking awfulness of that. FUUUUUUCK

also she was going to help with molly for a while so i could go back to work, and now obviously won't be able to. so i won't be starting my new job tomorrow. or maybe ever. i don't know.

miami or bust!!!

(BUST)

BEAT DAY #1

2006-09-05T06:25:00.000-04:00

Molly is 1 month old today!

MEEP!

she thinks she's people!

2006-08-18T12:28:00.000-04:00

molly rocks. she likes to stare at my tattoos. and she likes to thrash around. it's like a solo baby mosh pit.

i like her :-)

we're all alone today. we're listening to AFI right now. (good AFI. i refuse to subjuct her to miss murder. that's just crap.)

i want to start her off early with a proper music edu-ma-cation. so far she digs social d, tsunami bomb, dropkick murphys, lunachicks, clutch, rancid, ... yeah.

she's a happy kid. that makes me happy.

Best Advice Ever

2006-08-10T12:29:00.000-04:00

"Hold her close to your heart... unless she tries to eat it."
...

A (rock) star is born

2006-08-07T18:38:00.000-04:00

ok i have a few minutes to babble, so here i go!

...

friday was bizarre.

i went to the doctor for yet another exam. she told me i wasn't progressing at all, and i'd probably be waiting it out for a bit.

i left there hugely bummed out.

she called me a while later to let me know they'd scheduled me to be induced next week, since i was already past my due date, and it didn't look like i was getting any closer on my own.

when we got home i decided to take a nap. you know, to kill time while i waited for the baby. heh.

about 5 minutes after my head hit the pillow, i was in crazy pain. i thought it was bad kicking or something.

like an hour later it occured to me that it might be labor. duuuuh.

by the time we figured out we should go to the hospital i was crawling on the ground howling in pain every few minutes. of course i still had to pack my overnight bag. (dumb hooker)

perfect timing--- my cell phone service was suspended THAT NIGHT. yes i'm a deadbeat. and yes it's still off.

anyhooooo...

driving driving driving...
labor labor labor...
drugs drugs drugs...

baby!

mmm... then better drugs drugs drugs...

then more BABY!!

so yeah. she's here. this freakin rocks. we're stoked. she's awesome. sean is awesome. i feel awesome. i'm already recovered and ready to kick ass again. and i'm tiny!

yay.

this little chicky is gonna ROCK THE WORLD. she's already kicking butt around here. i'm so happy. so so so happy. happy happy happy!! and did i mention tiny?

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!

BTW - i need someone to come with me to get a TATTOO soon. it's been way too long! come on, you know you love me. help me celebrate!

YAY BABYNESS!!!

my boobs hurt

2006-07-26T12:49:00.000-04:00

BECAUSE SOMEONE HIT ME WITH A FOOTBALL LAST NIGHT

ass.

BABY ON BOARD, hellloooooo!

i wish i had a pic of myself on the floor at espn zone. all these people were watching, but no one seemed concerned that i got nailed in the chest and tumbled to the ground. not even sean, who continued his game, unphased.

hahaha

barfing adorable

2006-07-25T12:51:00.000-04:00

we finished everything in the baby's room. it's all pretty and shit. cutesy baby stuff everywhere. i hope she doesn't turn into too much of a girl because of it. fortunately, the room is still infused with some quality punk rock energy (courtesy of finger cuffs) so she should be ok.

i was hoping all the last minute panic housework stress would chase her out of me finally, but no. she's still holding on tight.

i'm gonna go jump up and down now and try to shake her loose.

hey maybe if i get us drunk she'll stumble right to the ground like i always do! OK FINE I WONT..

MONEY

2006-07-03T12:52:00.000-04:00

Current Mood: accomplished

wooooo i get to go on a baby shopping spree today! FINALLY.
and it's TARGET money... so i might have a little leftover for....

hmm. heh.

the cookout yesterday was fun... but FREAKIN HOT. crabs, hot dogs and SWEAT. i almost passed out. i'm an idiot. i feel like shit anyway, and now i have heat exhaustion. meh. i'm going to the doctwhore later anyway.

we are also finally set up with the house. contractor dude comes thursday to finish the baby's room. plus we're redoing the kitchen next week. mmmmm new stove! it's a lot of chaos, but everything is working out GREAT. everyone has been so awesome about all this. i love frank <3

ok so...

i had this really insane dream last night.... i was riding around in a car made of chocolate bars... and it hovered... and i was in it "because" i was in love with this person. i forget why that made sense. then i ran over a tiger. then my dog started killing sharks in the ocean. then i was the manager of a football team and watching a cheerleading video in a sleeping bag with sara.

total nonsense.

i hope it means good things mentally. my subconcious has been stubborn lately. a lot of very emo dreams. maybe it's finally moving on to a good place too?

i hope so. i can't take anymore emotional dreams. it's too hard to wake up from them. my last remaining demon is those dreams. well at least the only demon i can't cage up when i need to now.

sigh.

well this blog got depressing fast. im out.

love Y

bzzzzzzzzt

2006-06-28T09:53:00.000-04:00

not fun = playing the bass with a big foam pillow in front of your big prego belly.

the vibrations were pissing off the baby, and she was punching the spot it was resting on me.
(hurt like hell btw)

actually it was pretty fucking funny.

the tiger goes MOO

2006-06-26T12:54:00.001-04:00

i'm tired of constantly running and tripping on my own legs. it's like juggling rhinos in a briar patch. also, i can't stop sleeping today. also, i'm a fucking lion.

all you have is your emotions. whether you feel them, waste them on the wrong people, hide them, or hide from them. if i had an emotion i would eat it for breakfast. but im hungry right now. and you should never shop when you're hungry.

5 more weeks. i wish i was bread.

omg... like... a real date!!! SWOON

2006-06-23T12:57:00.000-04:00

ah i love nights like that. even when i'm feeling crappy and fat and tired and achey.

baseball, live music in a bar, eating mussels, drinking beers (and water), late night shopping at soundgarden, and watching godzilla movies in bed. best fucking night out in a long time!

i love you!

time to kick some balls!

2006-05-21T13:00:00.000-04:00

today is DRUNKEN KICKBALL day at riverside park.

we're headed out there to hang with the guys from tattoo museum at their annual kickball game. FREE FOOD AND BEER. fuck yeah!

i can't play this year (duh) but NEXT YEAR i'm down for sure. for today, i'll be chilling out on the hill watching sean get drunk and run around like a jackass.

YAY

new pants / new perspective

2006-05-20T18:13:00.000-04:00

ok this sounds really dumb...

I just got these new maternity pants. they are actually pretty awesome (impossible as that sounds). they are comfy, and stretchy, and NOT HIDEOUS.

so I was wearing them yesterday, and it put me in a surprisingly good mood. like a happy preggo buzz. hardcore. and I started realizing how stupid I've been lately, and how much time I've wasted that I could have spent enjoying my pregnancy.

kinda dumb, right?
but still...

I dont wanna be depressed all the time. I dont wanna feel sad, or anxious, or hurt, or stressed, or lonely, or jealous, or obsessive, or inadequate, or panicky, or paranoid, or angry.

and I dont have to.

ya know why?

cuz I have FAT PANTS now!

I'm a fucking dumbass for not realizing this sooner. and for all the the mistakes I've made and the things I've let fuck me up.

i dunno. i have issues.

like the other night.... i was all upset and having an anxiety attack. i was so far gone that i "had to" drink a beer to calm my nerves. what the FUCK is WRONG with me??? how the hell could i let myself be so affected by something that i would fuck up my baby?

FUCK THAT

i am better than politics

2006-05-18T13:01:00.000-04:00

if i were a lion...

i would be a

KICKASS

lion.

yay for baby clothes!

2006-05-05T13:02:00.000-04:00

YAY

im gonna have a new doll to dress up! i get to buy clothes! lots and lots of clothes! AND TINY SHOES!

now..... would buying this make me a bad person?

MINE

2006-05-02T13:04:00.000-04:00

so last night i was at the atm, deposting a tiny bit of money to keep my bills from bouncing...

and i was really pissed off at everyone in the world, and still freaked out from almost getting smashed by a dumptruck on lexington...

then i found 2 tickets to last night's game, sitting on the ground. awesome seats too...

i was gonna try to find the person who dropped them.... but then i pictured some yuppie fuckhead withdrawing a crapload of money from their thick bank account and the tickets just popping out of their overstuffed wallet, and figured the tickets would fit better in my roomy, uncluttered wallet.

fuck that! MINE

yay

Evil has returned to Barney Street

2006-05-02T13:03:00.000-04:00

AAAAAAAAAAAAaaaa

tonight marks the first night of the summer that the mutant demon bugs emerge from the sewers to invade the streets of my neighborhood. they are evil. and they mean to destroy me.

they chase me through the streets, and hide in my yard, and sneak into my house late late at night. they want to kill me.

i will no longer be leaving my house after dark.

someone please save me from the demon bugs!!!!! :-(

new idea

2006-05-01T13:06:00.000-04:00

this is my latest brainstorm--

idea #3 registry website

overview:

baby registry website that hits all the major stores (target, babies r us, baby depot, walmart) and combines your lists into one, with added organizing features, and an integrated marketplace for buying/selling used products

key benefits:

1.) users don't have to have multiple registries with overlapping entries.

2.) users dont have to look at more than one site to find patterns/styles/colors not offered at one store (better selection overall)

3.) will make buying used items an available option for buyers of registry items

features:

1.) Database compiled and cross-matched from inventory at each website

2.) Automatically creates and updates user's registry in each store's own registry system

3.) For items available at more than one store, allows you to select based on best price

4.) Buy through store website to save on development of checkout system to start, and to avoid contract issues

5.) Section for users to post for sale used items. will integrate with main product database to match registry lists with available used items. registry owner should be able to select if they want an item to not be bought used for them

6.) Added functionality for buyers to reserve intended purchases on the registry list, to help buyers of more than one item to compile a shopping list and so items can be claimed without being purchases right away.

7.) Sell ad space to parenting websites/magazines/etc

other ideas/brainstorming

Maybe this can be part of a larger website for expecting couples. this should be free to use, and other parts can be on a paid subscription. maybe a full featured baby site shopping, photo posting, childcare tips, nanny database. etc etc etc

how this will make me money:

1.) Ad space sold to parenting websites, magazines, vendors etc
2.) Paid subscription for premium site features and packages, discounts, deals, etc
3.) Business partnerships with registry sites based on hits/purchases

good will

2006-04-25T13:08:00.000-04:00

we just bought a big comfy ugly-as-fuck couch at the good will store. it came with a big comfy ugly-as-fuck chair and ottoman too. for CHEAPS! YAY

mmmm COMFY. i dont care if it looks like shit. i love it.

no more umcomfortable annoying sticky too small leather loveseat!

omg.... i have SEATING. wooo

BONUS POINT: apparently it's some expensive ass storehouse furniture sofa set. haha. yay for federal hill rich people and their material ADD.

stupid aliends and their triangle babies

2006-04-09T05:11:00.000-04:00

so late last night i woke up backwards. i was abducted by aliens. i thought they were vampires. cuz of the chasing. but vampires dont leave marks like that. they normally go for the neck, not the back.. so it must have been aliens. i had this fucked up mark on my back when i woke up. it hurts like hell. for real. now im having an alien baby. yup. well.... hmmm.... i suppose it *could* have been that octopus. but i don't want an octopus baby dammit.

mmmm lucky charms....

yay!

JELLYFISH

shhhhhhhhhhhh

2006-04-04T13:13:00.000-04:00

ok.....

we've got the baby's name picked out now. sorry, still a secret. she's been doing good... kicking like fuck. so much it makes me sick sometimes. but then thats my fault. (dont ask)

i quit my job finally too. fuckers. im taking some time off, then getting my shit together to apprentice at a tattoo shop here.

yippee!

mermaids

2006-03-23T13:20:00.000-05:00

i had this really weird dream last night....

i was swimming around underwater... looking for a pirate ship at the bottom.... i really needed to get inside it for some reason.

i got close to it... but i got trapped by some mermaids. they put me in the huge bird cage and wouldn't let me go. they just laughed at me and told me i wasnt supposed to be there and that i shouldnt have come and that now i could NEVER leave.

sean tried to save me but couldn't because he couldnt survive down there long enough. he just sank to the bottom and disappeared.

then the mermaids took me inside the pirate ship. it was gorgeous inside. but they blinded me before i could really see it. then they cut off my tattoos and shaved my head. then they cut out my heart and replaced it with a weird metal water machine so i drowned from the inside out.

then i woke up.